Just feel it [period]

We lost our dog Q (short for "Questionable Lady") a few weeks ago. Our poor girl suffered a stroke—which I hear is rare for dogs. She seemed to recover for a few weeks afterward, but then she developed a complication that left her unable to eat. As all pet owners understand, even though we wanted very much to prevent her from suffering, it was very hard to say good-bye.

In the days that followed, there were moments of pain when we were reminded of Q: seeing her folded up cage, reaching for two leashes instead of one, and so on. Also, there were doubts. Occasionally, I wondered if I'd gotten her care soon enough after her stroke. Was there anything else I could have done? Did we make the right decision to let her go when we did?

One time while I was taking a nap, I remembered how Q liked to curl up in a ball behind my knees as I was sleeping on my side. In an attempt to comfort myself, I imagined her snuggled in there right at that moment. It was an attempt to feel as if she was still with us, in part. I did feel some relief, and I smiled.

The next time I took a nap, I tried to imagine Q's presence again, and...well...it didn't work. It didn't comfort me. My mind became unsettled, and it bounced from attempting to invoke pleasant memories of her to second guessing our recent decisions. 

Two things occurred to me then. The first is that this was a reminder of how I over relied on fantasy to comfort myself when I was a child growing up with my alcoholic father in a very chaotic, unpredictable home. It was my main method for feeling in control and having some power.

When I played basketball in the back yard, I was playing against Larry Bird in the NCAA finals. When I hit the tennis ball against the brick wall of the elementary school for hours at a time, I was hitting a passing shot against Bjorn Borg or John McEnroe to win Wimbledon. I drew my own comics. I pretended I was a rock star as I sang along with my favorite songs. 

It took me well into adulthood to use less fantasy and to use better, more mature ways to feel competent and secure. 

The second thing that occurred to me was that I was mentally scrambling, trying to find a way not to feel hurt about Q's passing. So, instead of staying stuck up in my head, I took a few deep breaths, and I made a gentle request of myself: Quiet down and simply FEEL. Just "miss her," OK? Nothing more, nothing less.

Just miss her.

Once I calmed myself and just sat with my feeling, it was more manageable. She's gone. I can't undo or redo the past. I feel sad. But it's OK. I'll manage just fine.

Since then, a wave of sadness will wash over me from time to time, but it doesn't last long. We did our very best to be humane and to prevent Q's suffering; now I was doing my best to avoid any unnecessary suffering of my own.

I'm very thankful for the time she spent with us. RIP, Q!

Are we failing to see what's there?

I do some meditative exercises while I work out on the elliptical machine at the gym. Generally, I try to stay mindfully in touch with how my body is feeling instead of distracting myself by watching TV, listening to music, or losing myself in thought. 

These past few weeks, I had a few interesting experiences I'd like to share.

*          *          *

One of my meditative exercises involves visually scanning the room and noticing details: colors of the paint, cobwebs in one corner near the ceiling, charts, text on the machines, exit signs, what's currently on the screen of the three TVs across from me on the wall, other people working out in the room.

Perhaps the most important part of the exercise is to feel content noticing small, sensual details without giving in to a desire for more entertainment. Just breathe, sweat, move, and feel. Simply look and see. Just hear the sounds of the machines. Focus on, accept, and appreciate only those things.

When glancing around the room, I often notice announcements written on a whiteboard hanging high on the wall. I like to notice the different colors of dry markers used to write the messages, and the board often includes drawings and decorations. 

On this particular day, they had removed the whiteboard, probably to change the announcement. As I glanced about the room, I noticed feeling frustrated when my eyesight would land on the blank wall where the sign used to be, and I quickly looked elsewhere for something more interesting. I really missed that whiteboard!

It must have taken me the better part of an hour before I realized that, in my irritation about what WASN'T hanging on the wall, I was failing to notice what WAS there. In frustration, my eyes had been skipping over it without really taking it in. 

So, I returned my attention to the blank space on the wall. I noticed the two wooden supports into which the whiteboard slides. I saw smudge marks normally covered by the board, some shadows, and different shades of color on the painted wall. Once I relaxed and focused on that area of the wall, I actually found enough detail to occupy myself for a minute, which is a long time for a mindfulness exercise.

*          *          *

Another day at the gym: same exercise, but the whiteboard was up, displaying several announcements. During most of the hour I spent on the elliptical, my eyes moved across the contents of the whiteboard several times, and I thought I'd reasonably captured its content. There were various colors of lettering, some paper leaves decorating one corner, some squiggles and asterisks and underlining for emphasis.

OK, I've got it!

When my eyes would return to the board, I'd briefly notice the same set of characteristics: the colors, the leaves, the decorative squiggles and underlines. However, toward the end of the hour, as I glanced at the familiar whiteboard once again, I was startled to notice something new. For one line of words, the writer had drawn a small square where any lines in the letters intersected. The effect was like seeing rivets on the letters. Nice.

At this point, the distinctive decoration really seemed to pop. I wondered how I'd missed it the first, ohhh, twenty times I'd scanned the board!

*          *          *

On the one hand, these examples are trivial. They were just mental exercises. On the other hand, my failure to notice small details made me wonder what bigger things I might be missing in my life.

As it was with the missing whiteboard, my awareness might lapse because life isn't giving me what I expect, my mind so attached to what I think should be there that I fail to see what's right in front of me. Or I might miss details because I've convinced myself that I've gotten it all, and there's nothing left to notice or learn. Or maybe I'm just moving too fast to absorb details, or perhaps I'm distracted by other thoughts and agendas.

Could I be missing important details in my marriage? My job? The way I treat other people?

I'm reminded of the mindfulness concept of being present. How present are you being in your own life? What are you missing?

Don't be so sure...about ANYTHING!

You may have heard some variation of You can't learn anything if you already know everything. Well, I had an amusing, slightly embarrassing thing happen to me that illustrated this point.

Back in mid-May, I noticed that my car wasn't cooling down very much when I was using the air conditioner; it was blowing slightly warm air. This was odd, given that I'd purchased the new car a year-and-a-half ago, and you wouldn't think that the air conditioner would have problems already. I thought to myself that it was probably just low on Freon. I was due to bring the car in for an oil change anyway, so I'd have them look at the air conditioner then.

So, I bring in the car for an unscheduled visit to my dealer's Service Department, and I told them about the air conditioning problem. They say that they can do the oil change, but that the air conditioner situation often requires that they run more diagnostics; I'd have to make an appointment for another day to get that checked. 

Feeling a bit disgruntled, I put it off for another few weeks. That being said, Baltimore summers are hot and humid, and it wasn't long before the heat drove me to make another appointment. Dropping the car off, the attendant looked concerned when I said I'd wait in the lounge until they were done. He told me that air conditioning situations could run hours. I sighed, raised my eyebrows, and told him that I'd still like to wait for it.

Settling into the lounge, I set up my laptop, plugged it in, got some caffeine, and began to do some work. After only 10 minutes or so, the smiling attendant approached, and asked me to step outside with him; he wanted to show me something.

In a very cheerful, professional tone, the attendant began to explain to me how that red-and-blue hotter/colder dial on the dashboard worked. Within seconds it occurred to me what I'd done. The air conditioner worked fine. I'd been driving around for a month with the heat partially turned on. DOH!

Before all these "air conditioning problems" began, we had an unseasonably cool late-Spring day, and I'd turned the heat on a little bit, just enough to put out slightly warm air. After a few weeks, when I needed the air conditioner, I turned it on, and it blew lukewarm. Given that I knew...I KNEW...what the problem was, there was no need to check the temperature dial. It didn't even OCCUR to me to do so.

I began to chortle loudly at what I'd done. The attendant tried to "make me feel better about it" (what do you want to bet he'd seen this before), but I assured him that it was OK to laugh at my foolishness. Oy!

So, in general, life often goes smoother if we're a little less certain about things. :-)

 

Escape the trap of "should"

I read this wonderful article today about stress. It contains some very helpful perspectives that center around the idea that we should manage stress better, not try to eliminate it.

It reminded me of how a recent uneventful workday suddenly overwhelmed me and what I learned as a result.

So, let me tell you about how it all went down. My workday had started off simple and easy. I actually had no Life & Career Coaching clients scheduled, when typical days could include meetings off-and-on from 9 am until 8 pm. So, I pretty much had a free day!

Although, I did have two non-client-related meetings, a plan to hit the gym, and an evening phone meeting and doctor's appointment lined up. There was still plenty of time to get all that done, and, in terms of work days, this should have been very light lifting.

During my late-morning meeting, I noticed three calls go to voicemail. Two were potential new-business clients, and one was from a current client. Given that it's important to close new business as soon as possible, it was at this point that I began to feel a bit of pressure to return those phone calls.

However, my meeting ran longer than expected—clear through the lunch hour; this is where my focus drifted. I was extremely hungry, and I felt pressured to get through lunch ASAP so as to get to those calls. 

It was then that I noticed that my website's formatting looked messed up on my smartphone (But it was working fine last week!). I can't get new business while my website is down, so, while I was eating, I rushed through an attempt to re-code and fix the problem (multi-tasking), which took an extra, unscheduled 45 minutes. 

After fixing the website, at this point, I felt frazzled. Eating meals late will throw me off emotionally. Multi-tasking stresses me. On the one hand, you may be thinking that what I was facing was trivial, and you'd be right. On the other hand, notice how trivial ways of being delayed or thrown off schedule create stress that makes it hard to function well.

The pressure I felt to get everything done by the end of the day suddenly felt unmanageable. My mind started racing and scurrying like this: I could make the phone calls. But I don't want to make the phone calls. I'm not good on the phone when I'm in a mood like this. Well, I could skip the gym, and then I'd have plenty of time to get things done. But the gym helps me to keep an even keel; it's important to take care of myself. And I can't move the evening meetings, they're both very, very important! The phone meeting in particular is about a VIP client, and it took me three months to get this doctor's appointment. I don't see a way to out! Arrrggghhh!

I felt trapped. 

As I retreated to the bathroom to take a break and do my business, it occurred to me that I know emotion management, I TEACH this stuff. It was time to apply the skills and approaches to myself.

So, I took some deep breaths, and I did my best to clear my mind. Then, I asked myself to answer this question honestly: Of all the things you COULD do with the rest of your day, what would you LIKE to do? What are you WILLING to do? I followed that with a few more deep breaths, kept my mind quiet and clear, and I waited for the answer to occur to me.

As I continued to slow down, relax, and clear my mind, the answer presented itself fairly quickly, and it felt easy and clear: The evening meetings can't be moved, so I'll do them. I want to go to the gym. Time permitting, I'll answer the call from my current client after my evening phone meeting, and I'll respond to the other two calls first thing tomorrow morning. 

Ahhhhhh! It all felt do-able again.

Later in the day, given that I had to spend some boring time in a my doctor's waiting room, I did a quick review of a document for a client using my tablet, and I emailed her comments before the meeting began.

No problem! What a difference emotionally from how I'd felt about it all at lunch.

*          *          *

Reflecting on how it all went down, several things occur to me.

Most of my unpleasant stress was caused by the strong feeling that I "should" do everything. That word never literally crossed my mind, but that's how I was behaving. As if I had no choice, as if everything had to get done, as if it was up to me to push my way through it all regardless of how I felt.

When I shifted into the perspective that I could do what I wanted to do or what I was willing to do, I felt more in control, the "trapped" feeling went away, and I quickly felt sooo much better. After feeling better and more relaxed, I was better able to get work done.

It occurred to me that, in my 20's, these moments of overwhelm or upset would often snowball into a week of "being in a mood." Decades later, after learning many emotion-management skills, this kind of one-hour-freak-out experience is as bad as it usually gets. Even though I'm talking about trivial events kicking up stress, that's quite an improvement, and it greatly affects the overall quality of my daily life. Handling the little things well really matters.

Finally, as I went about the rest of my day, I noticed that there was no down time until I arrived home at 8 pm. That being said, even though I was a bit tired from being very active and busy, I didn't feel bad emotionally. It doesn't feel bad to chip away at a large pile of work if you feel as if you're doing what you want to do and making reasonable progress. I think that's a good example of the kind of "good" stress discussed in the Can Stress Help Students article, the kind that focuses, motivates, and assists goal completion. 

You can change how you feel

I was reading a friend's post on social media today, and she mentioned that it'd been more than 30 years since her last migraine headache. Someone else asked if she knew what led to her migraines going away, and this was her response:

Yes! I worked really hard at it! I attended the Mind-Body Institute at Beth-Israel Deaconess Hospital (in Boston), a program started by Dr. Herbert Benson's (author of the Relaxation Response). After the program, I went in for monthly check-ins for a while. I did a lot of exercises aimed at relaxation and mindfulness. I talked to doctors, got my physical pain under control—but the first step was recognizing that I was in constant physical pain—then got some emotional chaos in order. It was a five-to-six year process for me.

Two things stood out.

First was that she used a combination of Western medicine and Mindfulness/relaxation techniques together (click here for handouts about Mindfulness). She didn't get "religious" about one particular approach, and she didn't pit one technique against the other.

Second, my friend framed this experience as a project, one in which she was in charge, she would need to be patient, and she would need to take assessments and make adjustments over time. Implied in all of that is the belief (hope?) that she could do something about her own health and well-being. She had some power, some ability to take action. 

Certainly, as she's told me, she would see some results in the first few months and years, but she was determined enough to give it five or six years to get the maximum results.

In my Life & Career Coaching work with clients, I regularly hear from some of them, Easier said than done! True, that. However, is effort put toward a five-to-six-year project worth 30+ years of being migraine-free? 

Slowing down: taking a mental break at a red stop light

As mentioned recently, I'd been working with a client who was thinking, feeling, eating, breathing, walking, talking, and living way too fast! As a first step toward reducing his anxiety and poor decision making, he needed to slow everything down.

One important method of living slower is being on the lookout for opportunities to slow down. This posting is an example of me discovering such a chance and taking advantage of it.

I was three blocks from my home recently, slowing my car to stop for a red light when I felt this impulse to push the car-radio button. On the one hand, I had a slight urge to hear some music. On the other hand, it was more habit than desire. All in all, I had begun to reach for the button on Automatic Pilot, without really thinking about it.

Then, something odd and helpful happened. I popped out of my semi-trance and wondered what it would be like to enjoy a slower, more peaceful moment, what it would be like to "just be" instead of trying to fill up the moment with something better. It was an instance of snapping out of mindlessness and into mindfulness, 

So, instead of turning on the music, I sat back in my car seat, took note of how my body felt, took a deep breath, cleared my mind, and just "noticed things" while waiting for the red light. They were simple, every-day observations, such as a few people walking on the sidewalk, the traffic light, my dashboard and car wheel, the blue sky and clouds, and some near-leafless trees. 

Because I was paying closer attention to these every-day scenes, they seemed more vivid, clear, and interesting. I'd slipped into being content in the present moment without desiring anything more; breathing, sitting, and checking out the street scene was good enough for me.

It's noteworthy that, by giving these ordinary things some extraordinary attention, I ended up feeling really, really GOOD, instead of feeling irritated or bored by the red light as is sometimes the case.

I was able to maintain this clear, observational mind for the rest of my drive to work, and I arrived relaxed and in a very good mood. 

"Spotting a liar": Work like a dog or just feel your way through it

Recently, someone pointed me toward this very intriguing webpage that provides tips for spotting a liar. For the most part, I found it to be a fun and interesting read. The best part of the article was the statistics at the top about how often people tend to lie. 

As I was taking in each of the points, I was thinking to myself, Yep...yes...that seems true...yep! At a certain point, I grew weary and thought, OK, this can end any time now! In my experience, people are not willing to read long articles, never mind put in the consistent work it takes to master a long list of skills such as this one.

It reminded me of my upcoming book about avoiding bad habits, which includes a section entitled "Getting out of your own way." There are many times in life when you can put tremendous amounts of time and effort into learning, creating structure, and meticulously building many new habits. Or you can relax, focus, and "do the right thing" on the fly, without making such a big project out of it.

For example, you can learn all of these tips for spotting liars, such as understanding that people often look up and to your left when imagining a scene (constructing a visual lie) and level to your left when imagining something heard (constructing a lie about what was said). You can spot the times when someone is smiling but their eyes aren't (they remain still and emotionless). You can work really hard to notice when there's a gap between a facial expression and a verbal one, or when liars do or do not use contractions to explain a situation.

Or! You can learn how to observe well and notice when something doesn't feel right. If it doesn't feel right, don't trust it.

For example, If you're relaxed and paying attention, you'll notice a creepy feeling when someone's mouth is smiling brightly but their eyes remain emotionless. You'll notice the difference between someone giving you a direct, genuine answer and someone over explaining things or answering questions that weren't asked. Your heart and gut will tell you that something's up!

You may not know exactly WHAT is up, but you don't have to know. Your gut feeling is the only red flag you'll need to withhold your trust until you can sleep on it or do some more investigating.

To increase your ability to notice and "feel it" when people are lying without having to become a masterful Truth Detective, dedicate yourself to mindfulness meditation, which increases your ability to pay attention to what you are feeling as you're living your life. Learn what a lie feels like, and then follow your feelings.

Slowing down: watching and noticing the colors

Recently, I was working with a client frustrated by his own rapid and negative thinking, anxiety, and a pressing sense of what he "should and shouldn't do." His day-to-day life consistently felt stressful and overwhelming.

Although his situation was extreme, it's similar to complaints I hear from many people about the stresses of modern life.

I said to this client that, regardless of any other action he takes, he needed to learn how to slow down and relax. Now, the concept of "slow down and relax" is relatively simple, but knowing the Hows, Whats, and Whens can be challenging. 

We came up with a short-list of specific activities he could do to slow his thinking and activity throughout the day: do a meditative exercise upon waking, take mini-breaks every hour to 90 minutes (stop what you're doing, walk to a window or outside, breathe, clear your mind stretch, relax; then, after a few minutes, go back to it), have "wind down" activities before bed, and attach a mindfulness exercise to a daily activity (showering, driving, going to the bathroom).

So, in the days that followed this client session, I became more aware of opportunities to give myself a mini-break, to slow down and relax.

One day, I was looking at a desk toy that my sister had given me many years ago. When you turn the toy upside down, two different color liquids glide through the clear liquid, making dripping shapes and bouncing off of one another. 

I'd never thought much of it. It's not very exciting to look at. It lasts only 15 seconds or so. And it's not THAT pretty or interesting! 

However on this particular day, I'd been working hard and feeling tired, and I needed a diversion. I flipped the toy over, and surrendered to its colors, letting go of everything else. I lost myself in the sight of the red and blue dripping bubbles. Ahhhhhh! 

I had misjudged this toy. I originally thought it should entertain me. Instead, I realized that it was a pleasant focal point designed to relax me. When I returned to work a minute or so later, I felt slightly refreshed. 

Do this once during your work day, and it won't have much of an overall effect. Yet, if you find a half dozen pleasant and interesting ways to slow down, refocus, clear your mind, and relax throughout your day, it will set the stage for getting rid of that oppressive sense of being driven and overwhelmed, making things feel more manageable and even enjoyable.
 
Just take 15 seconds and watch...!
 

 

Don’t stretch! Instead, relax until your muscles loosen.

I'm a retired team-sports jock. In high school, I was a member at various times of the varsity basketball, tennis, soccer, and track teams. Later in life, I learned to play shortstop for a recreational softball team, and I played corporate-league basketball.

Needless to say, I’m no stranger to locker rooms, gymnasiums, practice sessions, games, and tournaments. I’m also well versed in ways to stretch my muscles before and after working out so as to prevent injury.

Early in my athletic experiences, stretching was always uncomfortable. It felt as if my muscles were tight, and I was using various poses to take the tight muscle and pull on it slowly until it submitted and loosened.

I remember when my whole approach to stretching changed in the mid-90s, which was approximately the same time I began to practice different types of meditation. I was in the middle of my stretching routine, and I just didn’t feel like yanking on my own body anymore. Instead, I just remained in the stretching position, relaxed, breathed deeply, and stopped trying to make things happen. To my surprise, the more my breathing, mind, and total body relaxed, the more my muscle loosened and stretched out. Whoosh! My body part just “melted” into position, smoothly and easily.

The difference between stretching and relaxing was like the difference between cutting into a cold stick of butter immediately after it’s been taken out of the refrigerator and moving the knife through the stick after it’s been on the table for a few hours.

In recent years, whether it’s an athletic pursuit or some other activity, I think to myself, “Relax into it,” and things tend to go smoother and easier. 

Don’t push or pull. Relax and flow.

Things go faster when I slow down

I'm a tea drinker. In my office, my routine is to fill the water filter first. Then, I pour the filtered water into an electric kettle, which gets the water really boiling. Finally, I pour the water over the tea bag (a British college buddy taught me years ago not to dunk the bag into the water initially), and then I let it seep for a few minutes (longer if it’s Oolong or herbal).

Recently, I’d been experiencing some frustration with my routine. Rushing in between client meetings, I’d pour the water from the filter container into the kettle, and, just before the container emptied, the water would change direction and spill around and near the kettle. Sighing, I’d grab a napkin or paper towel, and I’d wipe up the mess. This continued for the better part of a year.

Finally, frustrated with having to mop up every time I filled the kettle, I decided that I was going to get to the bottom of the spilled-water mystery.

The first thing I did was I decided to fill the kettle slower, thinking that rushing and speed might be the cause of the spillage. Slowing down also allowed me to observe what was happening. When I did this, I noticed that slowing down alone didn’t prevent the mess. At the last second, the water stream angled downward and spilled down the side of the kettle.

The next time I filled the kettle, I decided that I would try to change the angle of the spout just before it emptied. Again, I poured it slower than I usually did so that there was time for me to observe what was happening and adjust what I was doing. As the container was about to empty, I angled the spout upward slightly to compensate for the water's change in direction, and the last stream of water angled perfectly into the kettle without mess.

It struck me that I'd put up with a frustrating situation for so long—doing the same thing over and over, just wishing that things would magically get better somehow. Slowing down the process gave me time to observe and choose a different, better course of action.

What other areas of my life could benefit from slowing down, observing, and improving my technique?

Acceptance versus control

When I'm working with my Life & Career Coaching clients, I emphasize balance and judgment calls, and I use the yin-yang symbol to illustrate the point.

To have as satisfying and smooth a time as possible, it's helpful to balance two very opposite approaches to life. The first is acceptance of the things that we can't change. The second is having the vision, drive, and work ethic to change things. (For more information, see the Serenity Prayer.)

Now, Life Coaching is all about having a vision of what you intend to accomplish, setting and prioritizing goals that get you to that vision, and staying on task as you complete goal after goal. It's great stuff. It's an example of the Change side of the equation. It's good to make plans, have goals, strive, affect change, and make things better in your life.

At the same time, everyone encounters aspects of themselves, their lives, and what they are experiencing around them that cannot be changed—or can't be changed any time soon. These are times when Acceptance is the better approach. It's time to play nicely with others, be flexible, delay gratification, and make the most of the situation that's been handed to you (when life hands you lemons, make lemonade). 

That brings me to the recent news about Renee Zellweger's plastic surgery. 

On the one hand, she seems pleased with her decision, reporting that she's now living a "happy, more fulfilling life." I'd say that that should be the primary focus and the number one priority for all of us. I am truly happy for her. In addition to that, the new look may improve her odds of winning different types of roles in movies for which she hadn't been considered in the past. Good for her!

On the other hand, making the best of your appearance without plastic surgery is an opportunity to practice acceptance and making the most out of what you're given. (I love actress Laura Dern's quote about plastic surgery: "All my peers are going to tighten up their faces, so I'll be more likely to get all the roles that require a few wrinkles!") 

Is it wrong? No. Is it bad? No. But it is a missed opportunity to practice a skill that's very necessary for a deeply satisfying life: being able to be happy and fulfilled without having to control looks, other people's impressions, or what's happening around you.

In conclusion, the great thing about life is that it usually gives us lots and lots of opportunities to learn lessons and build skills. It's no big deal that Renee chose Control over Acceptance in this one particular case. There will be plenty of other opportunities to practice Acceptance elsewhere in her life, I'm sure. 

I wish everyone well on our journeys, and may we make wise choices for ourselves about Acceptance and Change. 

Say yes

It was a typical morning commute, driving down W. 29th Street in Baltimore. Of course, every traffic light in the 8-light stretch turned red right right when I arrived. Just my luck! I had been struggling with being mindful that morning, and I was rushing and pushing a bit.

I was chuckling about it when yet another light turned red just as I arrived at the light, and, to express the sentiment Of COURSE the light turned red for me, that's EXACTLY the kind of morning I'm having, I thought one word: Yes! As in, Yes, of course that's what's happening!

I arrived at the next red light, and I again thought, Yes. I also noticed that saying that word was helping me to relax, smile, and enjoy the ride more.

The next light: Yes!

And the next: Yes!!!

What started off as a joke about bad luck with traffic lights evolved into a way of shifting from being willful (racing, pushing, complaining, whining) to being willing (agreeable, accepting, able to flow with what was given me). 

Life presents something to me, and I say Yes. Without expectations or comparisons, I say Yes to what is right in front of me, and I deal with it gracefully and with good humor.

I've found that when I'm doing my aerobics at the gym, I'll often think Yes in between mindfulness meditations on the elliptical machine, just as a way of reinforcing that I accept being in the gym, being sweaty, having my current body shape, having a certain energy level...the whole thing. It's helpful short hand for grounding me in the present moment.

The next time you're struggling with something in your day, try approaching it by saying, Yes.

 

Leg...arm...clock...heavy eyes...warm...

I've never been a morning person. So, it hasn't surprised me over the years that I've struggled with the common recommendation to start the day with meditation. 

I knew that I certainly could use some mindfulness in the morning. All night long, my mind runs around like a bratty child, and I often wake up with a very unfocused, random-access kind of mental experience: an old song playing in my head, mentally rehearsing for the day, spinning off on some distant memory, obsessing about some detail about my bathroom routine, telling myself jokes, and so on.

This morning, I tried a technique that worked fairly well. While still in bed, just after waking but before I had to get up, I applied one-word labels to whatever drew my attention. If I noticed that I was feeling warm under the covers, I'd think, Warm. If I was drawn to the sensation of rubbing my feet together, I'd think, Feet.

Warm
Feet
Arm
Clock
Closet
Heavy eyes
Hunger
Clock
Breathing
Face [against the pillow]
Head
Hands
Light

When I was ready to get up, I sat on the edge of the bed, and I continued to observe and label in this way. After a few minutes, I began my bathroom routine.

As a result, I started my morning in a more peaceful, meditative way. Also, I found that I didn't ruminate—think a lot, think rapidly, dwell on things—as much during my morning routine. It may not have been a formal meditation, but it really made a difference in how I felt starting my day.

*       *       *

I'd like to tip my hat to the Dan Harris article in the August issue of Mindful magazine, which was an excerpt from his book 10% Happier. The article includes a very funny description of himself as a skeptical, regular guy attending a 10-day meditation retreat. His description of how he resisted and overly complicated the meditation for days and then how he lapsed into a peaceful observational stance was amazing writing, and I can't recommend it highly enough for anyone who has ever "struggled to meditate."

In that article, he describes his breakthrough by describing how his inner thoughts had become much simpler and observational:

Neck pain
Knee pain
Airplane overhead
Birdsong
Sizzle of rustling leaves
Breeze on my forearm
I'm really enjoying putting cashews and raisins in my oatmeal at breakfast
Neck. Knee. Neck, Knee. Hands numb. Bird. Knee.
Hunger pang. Neck. Knee. Hands numb. Bird. Knee.
Bird, bird, bird. 

Experiencing IS instead of SHOULD

I was preparing to sit down to do some writing, and I wanted to shake off the residual foggy feeling after surfing Facebook, Twitter, and a few blogs. I needed to turn my attention to doing some new writing of my own, but I was distracted and my eyes felt tired. So, I decided that I would  walk outside into this beautiful Baltimore morning, feel the sun on my face, clear my mind, breathe, and do a mini-meditation to re-engergize myself.

On the way out the back door, I noticed some plastic bottles and metal cans by the door that needed to be deposited in the bin in our back yard. So, I gathered together the recycling, I exited the house and I tossed the items into the bin. On the way back, I noticed that some cement-like casing on our steps was beginning to crumble and fall off onto the grass. Yet another thing that the previous owners cheaped out on and that we're going to have to pay for and repair. I felt mild irritation, "fast," and my mind was occupied. 

After walking back in the back door, I dimly recalled that there was something that I'd neglected.

Oh, yeah. I was going to do a mini-meditation.

I walked back out onto the porch, cleared my mind, breathed deeply, refocused on how the sun felt, tuned into what I was seeing around me, and thought gently, I am. Tension melted away, and I felt sooo great, sooo quickly.

When I returned to my computer, I felt ready to begin my work.

*       *       *

What stays with me is the stark contrast between how I felt when initially in the backyard (irritable, preoccupied, wrapped up in what "must be done") as compared to the second time I was there (warm, peaceful, quiet, relaxed, just "being"). Night and day.

The more quickly and frequently we can exit from SHOULD mode and enter into BE mode, the better we'll be able to maintain our health and our sense of connection to others and to life.

Mini-mindfulness break

Yesterday, Sunday, I worked. I didn't have a day this past week that was 100% free of work, so, as you can imagine, I approached my tasks yesterday already a bit tired.

To begin my work, I caught up on posting and reading self-help, coaching, career, and psychology postings on Twitter, and I added a posting or two myself. I scheduled and rescheduled a few clients, and worked on other assorted tasks. Then in the afternoon, I did some writing for a book I'm working on, which is about resisting bad habits and forming new, healthier ones; as part of that task, I moved rapidly between four previously written chapters to tune them up, and I wrote a few new sections. 

There was lots of bopping around, back and forth, between different tasks and writings, different ideas and goals. It was a typical multitasking free for all.

By mid-afternoon, I felt my shoulders tightening and my eyes glazing over.

So, I stepped away from the computer, went to the bathroom, came back out and put the kettle on for another cup of tea, and then I stepped outside. Once on my back porch, I recited a line from the meditation exercises I do while at the gym: I am, which is my own powerful reminder that it's possible for me not to concern myself with anything at all except for being in his body of mine and existing in the world at this present moment.

I then took a deep breath and paid attention to all the sensations—nose, throat, chest, stomach—that go along with it. I focused on the grass in my yard, the extraordinarily tall sunflowers in my neighbor's yard, the red brick of the house next to ours. I stretched, felt the sun on my skin, moved into the yard, and continued to breath deeply, keeping my mind clear of any thoughts except for what my five senses were perceiving. 

When you pay attention deeply, just breathing can feel so darn good!

When I heard the kettle whistle, I went back inside the house. I made a cup of tea, and then I continued to work for a few more hours.

The total amount of time off I took from my work was close to 1 minute. However, it was so pleasurable, it felt much longer.

*     *     *

We live in a busy world. 

Sometimes I get the feeling that most self-help approaches want us to create mini-worlds for ourselves that aren't as busy. To a certain extent, I can understand that. When possible, I think that's a great approach. Certainly, it can be effective to prune our lives of activities and objects that are not necessary, irritating, or otherwise burdensome.

However, using the example I've just presented in this post, I learned a lot from bopping around Twitter and various blogs, reading and thinking and posting very rapidly. I wouldn't want to cut that out of my life completely.

Instead of drastically reducing what you do, take more mini-breaks. I find this method to work very well when it's not practical to take more prolonged time off, such as a weekend, a "mental health day," or a vacation. 

A handful of times a day, remove yourself from the hectic environment—which is a great emotional reminder that the tasks aren't as vital as they feel right at that moment and that you can put them down briefly—and do a mindfulness exercise. Then, once you feel more clear-headed and refreshed, jump back into the fray.

Weight loss project: Meditate while you work out

While doing my aerobic workout I noticed many people distracting themselves. Some would read books, others watch TV, and people sometimes wear headphones. One time a woman was chatting intensely on her cell phone while working out, and another right next  to me was reading a long series of PowerPoint slides about motivating employees (OK, I peeked).

Distracting (taking your mind off of something unpleasant) and self soothing (inserting a pleasurable activity like eating, lighting candles, listening to music, or rubbing lotion on your hands) are effective ways to take care of yourself emotionally. However their power is very limited and their effects wear off quickly; you don't get a lot of bang for the buck with distraction and self soothing. They should be used in conjunction with more powerful methods of relaxing, accepting, and "holding in your mind comfortably" the present moment.

This thought also occurred to me: if people are treating working out as something so unpleasant that they have to remove their minds from the experience, how likely are they to commit to a long-lasting workout regime? In other words if it's so unpleasant, wouldn't one be motivated to drop the activity as soon as the goal (weight loss) is achieved, setting the person up for gaining back all that weight? What might it be like to engage with the activity, make peace with it, flow with it, pay attention to it, and hopefully find a way to enjoy it for its own sake, regardless of the ultimate goal? In a gym workout, what is the equivalent of "it's the journey, not the destination"?

It was then that, as part of my lose-the-gut effort, I began experimenting with doing my aerobics mindfully—without distracting or self soothing. That way I could kill two birds with one stone; I could exercise and do an extensive mindfulness meditation!

I decided to apply mindfulness to aerobics, because that's the part of the gym workout less naturally lending itself to being present with the activity. When lifting weights I find that I naturally pay close attention to my breathing and how my body feels as I lift, which is necessary to avoid injury.

So for the past few months, I've been focusing on a number of meditative thoughts as I worked out on the elliptical machine. As I mentioned in a previous post I do intervals on the elliptical. Therefore I decided to do a meditation during the challenging interval (the more unpleasant one) and let my mind wander during the easier one.

A dozen times or so during my one-hour aerobic workout, I would recite in my mind the following statements during a difficult interval:

• I am

Focus on your body and its movement and nothing else.

• THEY are

Become aware of everyone else working out around you.

• WE are

Get in touch with how you all are there for a common reason, a common purpose. You're connected in this way.

• EVERYTHING IS!

Get a fleeting sense of how you all are a part of a much, MUCH larger world and universe.

•  I am CLEAR...HERE and NOW

Take your attention and focus on specific details around you: read words on a poster, notice the buttons on a machine in front of you, notice a crack in the wall, pay attention to the electrical outlets and wires. Simply “notice” all sorts of small details around you. In this way you connect with your surroundings.

• I am PRESENT...in this place

Shift your attention to the larger room or place where you are working out.

• I am PRESENT...at this time and at no other

Notice how the space looks RIGHT NOW (as opposed to a few minutes ago).

• I think

Notice thoughts that occur to you.

• My five senses ARE!

Notice your breathing, how your body feels—sweat, heat, a breeze, fatigue, pain, sounds you hear, a taste that’s lingering, how your clothes tug against you as you move—and notice how these sensations are different than “thoughts.”

• I'm FINE doing this here and now...

Choose to accept being in that place, doing what you are doing, and feeling what you are feeling. Notice that you’re OK. You’re fine as you are right now. There’s no “rule” that you should be doing something else or feeling any differently, and you can accept this and “be here.” You’re fine as is. The past and the future all fall away; there is only right now, and it's fine by you.

• I'm FINE!

Reinforce it. Say it again. Get in touch with its truth.

Sometimes I touch my belly, which is a part of my body that I’m trying to reduce using exercise, and I add, “My belly is fine as it is right now…it’s fine.”

• I'm at PEACE doing this here and now...

Get in touch with this truth. Try to FEEL how true it is.

• I'm AT PEACE!

Reinforce it.

Sometimes late in the exercise I’ll remind myself, I’m at peace with sweating, I’m at peace with a flushed face, I’m at peace with my fatigue. It’s OK. I accept this. I can manage this. There’s no “rule” or “tablets from on high” that say it should be any other way.

• I belong here doing this now...

Get in touch with this truth. Try to FEEL how true it is.

• I BELONG!

Reinforce it.

• I'm at home doing this here and now...

Get in touch with this truth. Try to FEEL how true it is.

• I'm HOME! 

Reinforce it. You're exactly where you should be, doing exactly what you should be doing right now. (We'll deal with what you should be doing "later" at another time.)

• EVERYTHING is AS IT SHOULD BE right now...and I AM WILLING!

You are a part of everything, everything is a part of you, and you can accept everything as it is right in this moment. You can accept it, engage with it, participate in it, flow cooperatively with it, and make the most of it.

• I am...I am...I am...

Relax, adjust your pace so that it’s not too fast or too slow, not too hard or too easy, smile, and feel yourself peacefully participating in the exercise. Stay clear; don’t “space out.” Complete the challenging interval as best you can.

  
Remember to say it like you mean it. Put some emotion behind your thoughts, really get into it.

Then during the easier interval I usually try to keep my mind clear by reading posters, noticing details on machines, glancing very briefly at the TV, noticing new people who enter the exercise area, feeling a breeze from the fan, and so on. 

Try to limit how much you become engrossed in the program on the TV or let your mind wander as you listen to a song. Glimpse and notice the TV; notice and appreciate the song. Just don't let your mind immerse itself into a program or lose itself in the music. Stay present in the room, alternating between everything there is to see, hear, and feel. 

I remember one time, during the easy interval, I watched some TV, answered a "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" question, and then returned to mindfulness meditation once the difficult interval began again. Be present and mindful through as much of the exercise as possible, but don't worry if your mind wanders from time to time, or if you zero in on the TV program for a minute. Perfection is not the goal.

*     *     *

It's been a few months now that I've been doing mindfulness meditations and thought-chanting while I've been working out on the elliptical, and it's begun to pay off outside the gym. Mornings have always been a difficult time for me to "get out of my head" and be mindful and "in my body." My mind's been running around like a child all night long, and it has trouble settling down first thing in the morning.

Recently I noticed that I was "up in my head" during my morning bathroom routine, I thought to myself I AM, and I calmed down and gently focused very quickly; it felt almost like someone turning the "lens" of my camera and feeling everything come into sharper focus. I now use the phrases I AM and EVERYTHING IS AS IT SHOULD BE as instant Chill Pills, relaxing me and helping me to focus on what I'm doing in the present moment. (It may take months of practice for you to see similar results, and your results may vary.)