Take a detour

I recently wrote a column for the Baltimore OUTloud newspaper about automatic behavior, the rut it can create, and how to break out by trying something new. Click here to read the column.... 

Recently, I was reminded about the connection between this topic and being able to tap into creativity to solve problems.

A few weeks ago, I was working with a gentlemen who was trying to manage a business relationship with a consultant who was threatening to undermine my client's efforts because of feeling under appreciated, because of not "feeling enough love" coming from my client. So, we brainstormed on strategies and tactics for managing a difficult business relationship.

At one point, I said, "When this guy gives you a somewhat helpful suggestion or tip, be sure to send him a thank-you card, perhaps a bottle of wine with it. Thank-you cards tend to give people warm fuzzies and help them to feel very appreciated."

It was at this point that my client slapped his own forehead in disbelief. He said, "I can't believe I didn't think of that. That's exactly how I established the strong business relationship in the first place, by sending thank-you cards and small tokens of appreciation." My client was unnerved as to why the solution had eluded him given that he'd done that in the past.

I reminded him that by allowing the consultant's bad behavior to kick up resentment and other hard feelings, my client had put himself into a negative space that blocked not only his creativity but also access to things he already knew! Instead of focusing on criticizing the consultant, my client needed to get into a relaxed, playful, problem-solving mood. The consultant's OK, I'm OK...let me just figure out a creative way around this!

The best way I know of being able to slow down, recognize what's going on, and shift gears like that is to make a steady practice of mindfulness. Click here for tips sheets about practicing mindfulness.


 

Dating strategy: what do you need to build your home?

When we're young, all we really want from dating is some passion and steady companionship. As we get older, our needs change, and most of us alter our dating course toward that LTR (long-term relationship). As a result of this shift, we often bump into dating frustration. 

A large part of the problem involves our friends, family, and society—supported by movies, TV shows, poems, and songs—encouraging an intense, single-minded focus on finding love. Instead, consider focusing on building your home. Focusing on finding love can distract you from what you need for your home, but focusing on building a great home includes finding love.

So, this person you've started dating? Is this person capable of "having your back" during good times and bad? (Notice how well she or he does with having other people's back.) Does this person treat others—the waiter, a sister, a boss, a neighbor—the way you'd like to be treated? Can you communicate well, make decisions smoothly, handle disappointment like grown ups, and partner well, even when it's as simple a task as choosing a movie to see on Saturday night? And, yes, is there enough passion to keep the fires lit in the bedroom; the bedroom is part of the home, too!

Right from the start, focus on whether this is a person who can respect your current home and who can smoothly build a new one together with you. This way, you won't get distracted by one room in the house at the expense of all the others.

Feel better using a little reminder

There's an unusual amount of construction happening on the roads between my home and my office. I literally cannot choose a route that doesn't bypass some road construction. This has been going on for a few months now.

As I approached one set of orange signs and a roadblock, I noticed that no work was actually being done this morning. This was an invitation for my mind to go to frustrating places such as, What the [heck]? and When will this ever end? and This has been going on forever! 

It was then that the thought End of October! entered my mind, and I instantly chilled out and felt much better.

Recently, I'd mentioned to some friends about the frustrating amount of road construction going on. One person pointed out that road construction has a window from April until October to get all of the work done. Something about the temperature and its effect on pavement. End of October! was a shorthand way of refreshing my memory about the longer conversation.

It hasn't been forever, it won't last forever, and, in fact, we're really close to the end of the inconvenience. I can easily hang in there a bit longer.

So, use brief catch phrases to remind you that there's another way to look at the situation. Make this attitude change once, no big deal. Do it three or four times a day, multiply it by seven days a week, multiply it again by a year's worth of effort, and this technique can be a major contributor to you having a more relaxed and pleasant life.

Thinking doesn't make it so

Yesterday, on the way to an outing, my husband David and I stopped at a sandwich shop. I stayed in the car with the two dogs, and David went inside to get some food. 

Being parked right in front of the large storefront windows, I saw David order, then I saw him step to the side while the cashier waited on others, and then I saw him wait...and wait...and wait some more.

I remember thinking, What the heck is going on? I convinced myself four or five times that I'd have to wait only another minute or so. I recall thinking about what might be holding up our order: they forgot him, they misplaced the order slip, they gave our order to someone else, they ran out of some food item. There must be a reason for this!

It was then that I noticed that my stomach was tightening, my face was reddening, and I was sighing heavily. How unpleasant!

I reminded myself that the running chatter in my head wasn't making the sandwiches come out faster. I convinced myself that I should either take some action (go into the store, convince David to call the manager, keep him company as we waited) or let go and accept the situation.

Preferring the company of the dogs, I decided to let it all go and relax. Immediately, all the tension drained from my body, and I felt better. The sandwiches will get here when they get here.

I had to remind myself of an important lesson yesterday. Either take action to try to make things better, or accept the situation for what it is. Don't think yourself into a stress ball and fool yourself into thinking it's doing any good.

A call to teach children how to pay attention

Click here for an excellent article calling for schools to teach children how to pay attention. Paying attention is a learned skill. 

Practicing mindfulness is an excellent way to boost the ability to pay attention. In order to live in the clear and present, we have to de-emphasize the chatter in our minds, and we have to emphasize instead our sensual connection to what's happening around us and what we are currently doing.

Mindfulness: foundation for being present

People probably have heard plenty of advice about being clear and present, seizing the day, and being connected to the present moment. The question that usually follows is: how do I begin to do that?

If you think of all the habits and skills needed to live consistently in the clear and present, you can imagine a house. Of course, a house is made up of many different parts, but we can all agree that its foundation is a critical component; you want to build your house on something very solid. Following from that, an important part of the foundation for "living in the clear and present" would be mindfulness skills.

Mindfulness skills are meditative practices that you use while you're living your typical, daily lives: taking a walk, taking a shower, having something to eat, brushing your hair, walking or driving from one place to another, and so on. The great thing about mindfulness practice is that you don't have to dedicate any time or money to it; just apply the techniques to what you naturally do on any given day.

Here are some handouts that can help you to begin a mindfulness practice:

• Thought stopping--getting your mind to quiet down so you can begin mindfulness
• Mindfulness exercises--once a day for 30 seconds to a minute
• The spirit of mindfulness--tips for fully engaging in the present moment 
• A picture is worth a thousand words  :-)

Louis C. K. on importance of being present

Brilliant as usual, Louis C. K. describes why he hates smartphones, especially for children. He also tells an amazing story of an emotional reaction he had and why it's important to sit with it, feel it, and move through it, instead of distracting or trying to "entertain it" away.

Click here for Louis C. K. on smartphones...