Although I'm writing this in response to recent stories about domestic violence perpetrated by NFL football players, this is standard relationship advice I've given to my life & career coaching clients for many years.
If your partner hits you once, leave.
No debate or discussion. No second chances. No allowances made for the gender of either the hitter or the hittee. No excuses made for a dramatic, Hollywood-style slap in the face. No hitting allowed, period!
To be fair about it, make sure that you've communicated this consequence at the very beginning of the relationship, and then follow through should the hitting occur.
Now, if you think that this suggestion is too harsh, you can use a modified version: after the first hit, the partner is warned and sent off to seek counseling help. After a second hit, impose the consequence and just leave.
If you're concerned that your partner is basically a good person and deserves a second chance, then let him or her create another opportunity in their next relationship. If you're worried about abandoning a relationship that could have been salvaged, then show more love and respect for yourself, protect yourself, and have confidence that you'll find a better partner and that you're strong enough to withstand some loneliness until that happens.
Your body, life, family, and career are too important to put at risk by remaining with a low-odds-for-success partner who hits. Not only can you do better; you must do better.
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If I were to summarize everything clients have said to me about their troubled or bad relationships, I'd say that there are too many instances of a partner "not having my back." We don't get into loving relationships for a little bit of support; we want a large amount of consistent, loving, protective partnership, and we don't want to have to worry about whether we can depend on it being there.
The ultimate betrayal is being physically attacked. You end up having to protect yourself from the person who's supposed to be helping to protect you!
For woman who date men, this issue can be a matter of life or death. Be sure to seek out the advice of domestic violence support systems when leaving a violent partner. I also give my women clients tips on how to spot controlling behavior in men, which can be red flags for serious emotional abuse or violence occurring later. Establish a zero-tolerance policy for these controlling behaviors in the same way you would do for hitting.
Men may have mixed feelings about the advice I've given. Here are a few final notes for men who may feel that it's too unmanly to walk away from someone who hits you, whether it be single Hollywood-style slaps or round-house punches:
- Of course you're big and strong enough to take it. You're also big and strong enough to walk away despite any verbal grief you might get from anybody. There are more types of strength than just being able to take a physical hit; don't let emotional weakness stop you from leaving.
- If your partner can't control emotions enough to refrain from hitting you, in what other ways does this person not have your back when overcome by a mood or when blurry from too much alcohol or drugs? In what other ways are you vulnerable to betrayal by this person?
- If you can't hold it in your mind any other way, think of it as protecting your reputation and career. The more you allow the physical disrespect to escalate, the riskier the situation becomes. Punch back once, and you can ruin both of your lives.
I was doing some dating coaching with a client recently and the topic of flirting came up. After I shared a few tips he told me about the advice that he'd been given in the military about all things sexual and romantic.
On the one hand I really understand how the information conveyed will totally protect the military and this man from any legal claims of sexual harassment or impropriety. On the other hand if taken extremely literally, as my client was doing, then it basically shuts down almost all flirting, including any form of touching "until you are sure that she wants to touch you." I think he was getting dismissed by what I call the Mr. Roger's Phenomenon.
To help this gentleman I pulled a book off of my shelf called Superflirt, by Tracey Cox. I mentioned that I hadn't read the book thoroughly, but that he should give it a try. When he returned the book at our next coaching meeting, he thanked me profusely, and he said, I'd been doing it all wrong!
So I thought I'd give Tracey a shout out and talk about her book.
I thought I'd start with a great quote from the Introduction. To dispel myths about flirting Tracey defines it in a way that makes it approachable and doable. She says, [Superflirts] just let others know they find them interesting. For people just starting off with flirting I think that's a wonderful description of the attitude that's needed. For extreme beginners I usually recommend that they simply make eye contact and smile.
To expand on the definition Tracey then says, [Superflirts are] playful, adventurous, open, friendly, warm, lovable, sizzlingly sexy, and, above all, popular. OK so for beginners she may go over the top somewhat with the last two items in that list, but I love how she starts off. How about just expressing your warmth, openness, and friendliness?
The book is divided into these sections: Body Basics, Sex It Up, Flirting Fundamentals, Talking Tricks, All-Out Flirting, Flirting Fix-Its, and Seduction Strategies. There are lots of pictures to help convey the concepts, and the book is laid out in a very attractive, easy-to-read format. A key philosophy of the book is fake it until you make it (before you dismiss the idea you should understand that this is a critical skill advocated by most 12-Step programs; it's a fancy way of saying that practice makes perfect, even if the practice feels awkward at first).
One of the things I like most about Tracey's writing is that she shows a clear knowledge of fundamental behavioral techniques. I use a wide-variety of cognitive-behavioral techniques in my coaching, which are backed up by research in terms of overall effectiveness when working with emotions. Although she uses aggressive and catchy headers and phrasing, she always emphasizes relaxing, being yourself, being confident, valuing yourself, and so on. Some of the techniques that she shares for evaluating "are we on the same page, are we OK?" are the same techniques I learned as a student counselor for assessing the body language of our clients in terms of rapport. In other words her methods are sound.
I also found the section called The Touch Test—when and how to initiate touch—to be particularly helpful.
The one drawback I find about the book is that it begins with a very dense section about body language. Beginners and shy people may want to start with the third chapter, Flirting Fundamentals, which presents information in clear pictures and smaller chunks of information. You may want to read the body language chapter a few times and incorporate that information over time.
All in all I find this book to be very valuable in assisting clients when it comes to flirting. Also as a side benefit, the book reinforces relaxing and self acceptance, which are key components to peak performance that I advocate in all of my coaching.
A number of my clients have felt at a disadvantage when using traditional online dating sites. To sum up their difficulty I'd say that it has to do with the challenge of conveying a large amount of visual and textual information that can then be "used against you" before you've had a fair chance to talk and put it into perspective.
If you think that you're not getting enough "hits" using traditional online dating sites then I highly recommend the Tinder app for your tablet or smartphone. A number of my clients have gotten very good results from it, and it appears to be a superior and more natural way to "lead off" the process.
Tinder's design seems to dovetail nicely with the casual way that people like to interact online—for example emphasizing messaging over lengthier emails—and facilitates interactions in a way that's fun. Essentially you view pictures and a very brief description, and you can indicate that you are "interested." If two people are interested in each other then they are allowed to send messages.
This app removes a lot of heaviness to the process and provides for a more natural ice breaker; it also more closely resembles how people actually meet in larger gatherings. (I saw her from across the room! And my heart went "boom"!) If there's still interest after messaging for a while then you can check out each others' lengthier profiles on other dating sites or move right into that initial coffee meeting.
I really enjoy dating coaching, and one of the more interesting topics of conversation about dating is flirting.
Let me start by saying that flirting is an adult version of play, and, at it's simplest, it's two adults expressing interest. For Flirting 101 just start with eye contact and a smile. To take it to another level try to express your interest as playfully as possible.
Now advanced flirting is challenging for every gender and across sexual orientation, however it's my opinion that it's particularly challenging for men who date women. If these men err on the side of being too sensitive then they get rejected for not being exciting enough; I call this the Mr. Rogers Phenomenon. If they err on the side of being too aggressive then they get rejected for being a brute bordering on being harassing and abusive; let's call this the Cave Man Phenomenon.
To be successful, men who love women need to embrace a dialectic, which means that they have to embody two things at the same time that appear at first to be conflicting opposites. These men need to simultaneously convey that I'm really into you and I can take it or leave it. They need to express You're hot and You're not all that at the same time. They need to communicate that I'd work to get you and I'm not your dog on a leash.
It's tricky. However when done right, it's very hot for both parties involved.
For a number of excellent demonstrations of this dynamic see the movie Hitch (but forgive the formulaic Hollywood ending).
Also I recently found another excellent example from an old cult TV show that demonstrates this interplay very, very well. It's found in the first episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. For those not familiar with the series I'll provide some background information. Buffy is destined to fight and slay vampires, and she eventually falls in love with a good vampire with a soul named Angel. Their operatic love affair is the basis of the first three seasons of the show, and it's effects linger throughout the duration of the series.
In the first episode they first meet when Angel follows Buffy into an alley, she turns the tables and knocks him to the ground, and he delivers a message meant to help her to fight other vampires. He's the mysterious tall, dark stranger, she doesn't know or trust him, and he wants her to believe that he's an ally against bad vampires without revealing just yet that he also has a crush on her.
At the end of the exchange, Buffy asks, Who are you? Angel replies with a smile, Let's just say...I'm a friend, and he begins to walk past her. She says, Yeah, well, maybe I don't want a friend. He turns back, plants a huge smirk on his face, he says, I didn't say I was yours, and he turns and walks away into the darkness.
Trust me, it's hot.
In a subsequent episode Buffy complains about Angel at length to her adviser, Giles, all the while demonstrating that she's totally intrigued by him. She eventually says, I don't LIKE him! This is true, however that's not the point. It's more about primal attraction.
If any man who loves women want an example of balancing I'm into you and I'm not THAT into you in a flirtatious manner then check out Angel's moves early in this series.
When we're young, all we really want from dating is some passion and steady companionship. As we get older, our needs change, and most of us alter our dating course toward that LTR (long-term relationship). As a result of this shift, we often bump into dating frustration.
A large part of the problem involves our friends, family, and society—supported by movies, TV shows, poems, and songs—encouraging an intense, single-minded focus on finding love. Instead, consider focusing on building your home. Focusing on finding love can distract you from what you need for your home, but focusing on building a great home includes finding love.
So, this person you've started dating? Is this person capable of "having your back" during good times and bad? (Notice how well she or he does with having other people's back.) Does this person treat others—the waiter, a sister, a boss, a neighbor—the way you'd like to be treated? Can you communicate well, make decisions smoothly, handle disappointment like grown ups, and partner well, even when it's as simple a task as choosing a movie to see on Saturday night? And, yes, is there enough passion to keep the fires lit in the bedroom; the bedroom is part of the home, too!
Right from the start, focus on whether this is a person who can respect your current home and who can smoothly build a new one together with you. This way, you won't get distracted by one room in the house at the expense of all the others.
