Slowing down: taking a mental break at a red stop light

As mentioned recently, I'd been working with a client who was thinking, feeling, eating, breathing, walking, talking, and living way too fast! As a first step toward reducing his anxiety and poor decision making, he needed to slow everything down.

One important method of living slower is being on the lookout for opportunities to slow down. This posting is an example of me discovering such a chance and taking advantage of it.

I was three blocks from my home recently, slowing my car to stop for a red light when I felt this impulse to push the car-radio button. On the one hand, I had a slight urge to hear some music. On the other hand, it was more habit than desire. All in all, I had begun to reach for the button on Automatic Pilot, without really thinking about it.

Then, something odd and helpful happened. I popped out of my semi-trance and wondered what it would be like to enjoy a slower, more peaceful moment, what it would be like to "just be" instead of trying to fill up the moment with something better. It was an instance of snapping out of mindlessness and into mindfulness, 

So, instead of turning on the music, I sat back in my car seat, took note of how my body felt, took a deep breath, cleared my mind, and just "noticed things" while waiting for the red light. They were simple, every-day observations, such as a few people walking on the sidewalk, the traffic light, my dashboard and car wheel, the blue sky and clouds, and some near-leafless trees. 

Because I was paying closer attention to these every-day scenes, they seemed more vivid, clear, and interesting. I'd slipped into being content in the present moment without desiring anything more; breathing, sitting, and checking out the street scene was good enough for me.

It's noteworthy that, by giving these ordinary things some extraordinary attention, I ended up feeling really, really GOOD, instead of feeling irritated or bored by the red light as is sometimes the case.

I was able to maintain this clear, observational mind for the rest of my drive to work, and I arrived relaxed and in a very good mood. 

Don’t stretch! Instead, relax until your muscles loosen.

I'm a retired team-sports jock. In high school, I was a member at various times of the varsity basketball, tennis, soccer, and track teams. Later in life, I learned to play shortstop for a recreational softball team, and I played corporate-league basketball.

Needless to say, I’m no stranger to locker rooms, gymnasiums, practice sessions, games, and tournaments. I’m also well versed in ways to stretch my muscles before and after working out so as to prevent injury.

Early in my athletic experiences, stretching was always uncomfortable. It felt as if my muscles were tight, and I was using various poses to take the tight muscle and pull on it slowly until it submitted and loosened.

I remember when my whole approach to stretching changed in the mid-90s, which was approximately the same time I began to practice different types of meditation. I was in the middle of my stretching routine, and I just didn’t feel like yanking on my own body anymore. Instead, I just remained in the stretching position, relaxed, breathed deeply, and stopped trying to make things happen. To my surprise, the more my breathing, mind, and total body relaxed, the more my muscle loosened and stretched out. Whoosh! My body part just “melted” into position, smoothly and easily.

The difference between stretching and relaxing was like the difference between cutting into a cold stick of butter immediately after it’s been taken out of the refrigerator and moving the knife through the stick after it’s been on the table for a few hours.

In recent years, whether it’s an athletic pursuit or some other activity, I think to myself, “Relax into it,” and things tend to go smoother and easier. 

Don’t push or pull. Relax and flow.

Say yes

It was a typical morning commute, driving down W. 29th Street in Baltimore. Of course, every traffic light in the 8-light stretch turned red right right when I arrived. Just my luck! I had been struggling with being mindful that morning, and I was rushing and pushing a bit.

I was chuckling about it when yet another light turned red just as I arrived at the light, and, to express the sentiment Of COURSE the light turned red for me, that's EXACTLY the kind of morning I'm having, I thought one word: Yes! As in, Yes, of course that's what's happening!

I arrived at the next red light, and I again thought, Yes. I also noticed that saying that word was helping me to relax, smile, and enjoy the ride more.

The next light: Yes!

And the next: Yes!!!

What started off as a joke about bad luck with traffic lights evolved into a way of shifting from being willful (racing, pushing, complaining, whining) to being willing (agreeable, accepting, able to flow with what was given me). 

Life presents something to me, and I say Yes. Without expectations or comparisons, I say Yes to what is right in front of me, and I deal with it gracefully and with good humor.

I've found that when I'm doing my aerobics at the gym, I'll often think Yes in between mindfulness meditations on the elliptical machine, just as a way of reinforcing that I accept being in the gym, being sweaty, having my current body shape, having a certain energy level...the whole thing. It's helpful short hand for grounding me in the present moment.

The next time you're struggling with something in your day, try approaching it by saying, Yes.

 

Beware comparisons and expectations

To manage difficult feelings and enjoy life as much as possible I coach my clients to beware of expectations and comparisons. When people are struggling to deal with a situation it's amazing how often their focus falls into one of these thinking patterns: 

• What's happening now is not what I expected and hoped would happen. I'm disappointed!

• What's happening to me now is not as good as what's happening to that person over there. That's unfair. I want what she's having!

When hoping too intensely for a specific result or when comparing yourself unfavorably to others, it can lead to feeling irritated, frustrated, sad, depressed, and angry.

Instead it's helpful to shift into a willing focus, and full engage with and appreciate whatever situation is presented to you.

Let me offer an example of something that happened to me today. 

I've noticed a pattern: when the parent of an adult child calls me as a way to get that person to become a client of mine, it almost never goes well. Most often I have to coach the parent to back off and let the adult child do more of the work, and the child will probably never show up to a meeting; the parent wants it more than the kid. Or if the adult child does show up for a meeting, it's done only once to satisfy the parent before ditching the effort for some trivial reason. 

Generally it's a waste of my time, in that it almost never results in a client. However...I feel the need to keep giving it a try.

So recently I spoke with the mother of a 21 year-old child, and I told her that her son should call me and arrange for his own meeting. The son and I played telephone tag for a day and a half; meanwhile his mother tried to intervene to "fix things," and I ignored her call, forcing the son to deal with it himself. The son eventually emailed me, and we agreed to meet on the following Wednesday at 11 am. So far, so good!

The son then asked if he could meet with me using the Skype video conferencing software. I told him that I don't usually use Skype for the initial free consultation unless travel to my office is difficult. I asked him to clarify why he was requesting Skype, yet I emphasized that the appointment was still on. At this point I'm thinking, I've seen this before...he's going to bail on this appointment without notifying me ("no show")...I know it.

On Tuesday I still hadn't heard from the son, so I sent him a note telling him that I'd be willing to meet with him using Skype, I gave him my Skype username so he could contact me, and I asked him to verify the appointment. 

I never heard back from him.

So Wednesday morning comes along, I finish with my 10 am client, and I start Skype at 11 am and wait for a call from the son. Nothing.

At 11:25, I turn off Skype, and I notice that I'm irritable. That was a waste of my time. It's rude for people to do that. Grrrrrr!

Then I changed my thinking. Wait a minute. I knew that he was likely to No Show on me, I gave him a low-demand time that didn't inconvenience anyone. During this unexpected free time due to the No Show, I wrote in my blog and got some other work done. Where's the bad?

After changing my focus and my thinking I felt instantly relieved; I shifted away from my ideas about the way people should behave and how the situation should have played out, and I focused instead on what I could do in the moment with my extra time. Something that felt bad shifted into feeling pretty darn good!

As a result I got into my work and enjoyed it, instead of wasting time sulking about what had just happened. Engage with what you're doing in the present moment, and let go of what you expected it to be or how it compares to anything else. There is only what you are doing right now...enjoy!

Weight loss project: My engine wouldn't stop revving after a workout

I thought that I'd mention a workout related challenge I faced in case others have experienced it. This past winter I started a gym routine after years of dabbling and not really establishing it with any regularity. After a few months I noticed that I had become very speedy and irritable; my husband pointed this out to me. My thoughts and actions were much faster, and I was stressing out about my To Do list more than I had in years. It was if the workouts caused my internal, emotional engine to rev high and get stuck in over drive.

This felt so unfair! I was getting into better physical shape than I'd been in for years, yet my emotional life was taking a hit.

I noticed one pattern: I was more irritable after weight training than on days when I limited my exercise to aerobics. I thought that one culprit might be an uptick in that ole devil testosterone. However I'm 53, and I'm sure I'm not producing testosterone at the same rate as I did decades earlier. After I noticed, I made sure not to overdo it with the weight lifting (avoid lifting two days in a row, avoid lifting more than three days a week).

I also noticed that the Engine Revving feeling was very similar to how I felt in my youth. Back then my mind used to race, I was prone to worry, and my digestive system was frequently off, which was all very similar to what I was now experiencing; I used to be the kind of guy whose knee bounced rapidly and nervously whenever I was sitting down. Perhaps entering into an intense workout regime triggered me, and I reverted to how I was the last time I was very athletically active, which would be in my younger, less-wise days.

Finally, I experimented with a few things to get my internal engine back to its normal speed. For example, mainly as a way to settle myself before doing life & career coaching with clients, I'd think meditatively, slow...patience, compassion! This helped me to enter into more of a slower, listening mode. However my overall speediness continued during times when I wasn't working.

Eventually I stumbled upon a meditation that worked much better. When I'd think meditatively, I'm WILLING!, my whole body would relax, I'd instantly feel more peaceful, and my thinking and actions slowed down considerably. 

One of the ideas behind being willing as opposed to being willful is to avoid pushing; when I was worried and rushing, I was trying to push past what I was doing in the present moment and attempting to rush on to the next item on my agenda. My saying that I was willing was a powerful reminder to relax, to flow with the way things were right in that moment, to cooperate with the situation, and to focus on doing what would work best right then instead of worrying about what was coming next. For me, focusing on being willing was like taking a fast-acting Chill Pill. 

Finally I found that taking a time out slowed down my internal motor. I took a ten-day vacation in Florida, spending a lot of time floating in the pool and napping.

When I returned from vacation, I felt the Revving Engine on my first day back at work, but I haven't felt it since. Occasionally when I notice myself mentally and emotionally trying to push through and past a situation, I think, I'm willing, and I relax into the moment and calm right down.

Live life as if you're playing putt-putt

When I work with my Life & Career Coaching clients, I quote movies fairly often. Undeniably the film I quote most often is Bull Durham. In one of my favorite scenes Annie Savoy (Susan Sarandon) gives Crash Davis (Kevin Costner) tips in the batting cage to help him through a slump. She says to him that hitting a baseball is like making love: you just have to RELAX and CONCENTRATE.

Not one or the other, but both at the same time. In a humorous and direct way, Annie described what athletes often call being in THE ZONE. However, it's not just for athletes. I help clients to get into a zone so that they can access peak performance, enabling them to do things well, whether it be accounting, housecleaning, dating, negotiating with a spouse, saving money, completing a resume, interviewing for a job...whatever!

To help yourself enter a relaxed and concentrating mindset, consider the game of miniature golf, or putt-putt. To set the stage, remember that no one in their right mind (ahem!) takes putt-putt too seriously; everyone knows that the main point is to have fun. For example, my favorite putt-putt experience was near St. Petersburg, Florida, where you can use a fishing pole to feed chewy dog-food squares to alligators in between holes. 

Now, remember that the idea is to relax AND concentrate at the same time. We could just relax and whack the ball around and not care. However, it's more fun if we concentrate enough to try to get the ball into the hole. If it took you six strokes to get the ball into one hole, then it's fun to see if you can succeed in five strokes next time. If the ball doesn't go up an incline, that's good information! Next time, you stroke the ball slightly harder until you figure out how to get the ball over the rise. If the ball goes left, aim slightly more to the right next time. If the ball shoots past the hole, tap it more softly next time.

Relax! We're having FUN, here! No big deal. Every time something doesn't go well, learn and adjust so that you do it better the next time.

I do realize that there are some people who choose to take putt-putt too seriously, and we all know how annoying THAT can be. Let's take this thought further and imagine people reacting to putt-putt in the same way they react to other parts of life; imagine how silly, unproductive, and annoying it would be: 

• I can't believe I missed that shot. I'm so STUPID!
• I haven't been able to finish a hole under par; he'll never want to go out on a date with me.
• I screwed up again. This kind of crap ALWAYS happens to me.
• I missed again. This is such a DISASTER!
• I shot over par on every hole. This is hopeless...what's the use. I might as well give up.
• It's "do or die" time...I HAVE to nail this shot! 

I'll bet that some of you are thinking that life isn't a game of putt-putt. On the one hand, you're right. On the other hand, it SHOULD be and it CAN be. Take a good, close look at extraordinary performers: they usually move quickly past the so called mistakes and failures, and they use what they just learned in their next venture. A great basketball player doesn't care that she went 0 for 13; she still can take and make the game winning shot. Or heed the Thomas Edison quote: I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

So, get into that putt-putt frame of mind when you'd like to perform well. Keep "having fun" front and center, relax AND concentrate, and mistakes and failures are information you need for your next big success.

And suddenly there was silence

It's just after 11 a.m. on this busy morning, and I just got back from retrieving my recycle bin from the alley behind my house here in Baltimore City.

Earlier, when I opened the gate and stepped onto the sidewalk on the street that runs alongside my house, I was stunned. The street was absolutely silent, and there were no other living or moving people, vehicles, or animals in sight. The air was crisp but comfortable. And the sky was clear blue. (For locals who can appreciate finer details, this was Whitridge Avenue!)

I paused for a moment to take in the utter stillness and silence.

The tranquility was delicious!

I love city living, but I usually have to generate my own inner peace and quiet. I was so thankful that I was aware enough to appreciate this rare gift of peacefulness coming from the outside. Ahhhhhh! 

Take a detour

I recently wrote a column for the Baltimore OUTloud newspaper about automatic behavior, the rut it can create, and how to break out by trying something new. Click here to read the column.... 

Recently, I was reminded about the connection between this topic and being able to tap into creativity to solve problems.

A few weeks ago, I was working with a gentlemen who was trying to manage a business relationship with a consultant who was threatening to undermine my client's efforts because of feeling under appreciated, because of not "feeling enough love" coming from my client. So, we brainstormed on strategies and tactics for managing a difficult business relationship.

At one point, I said, "When this guy gives you a somewhat helpful suggestion or tip, be sure to send him a thank-you card, perhaps a bottle of wine with it. Thank-you cards tend to give people warm fuzzies and help them to feel very appreciated."

It was at this point that my client slapped his own forehead in disbelief. He said, "I can't believe I didn't think of that. That's exactly how I established the strong business relationship in the first place, by sending thank-you cards and small tokens of appreciation." My client was unnerved as to why the solution had eluded him given that he'd done that in the past.

I reminded him that by allowing the consultant's bad behavior to kick up resentment and other hard feelings, my client had put himself into a negative space that blocked not only his creativity but also access to things he already knew! Instead of focusing on criticizing the consultant, my client needed to get into a relaxed, playful, problem-solving mood. The consultant's OK, I'm OK...let me just figure out a creative way around this!

The best way I know of being able to slow down, recognize what's going on, and shift gears like that is to make a steady practice of mindfulness. Click here for tips sheets about practicing mindfulness.


 

Thinking doesn't make it so

Yesterday, on the way to an outing, my husband David and I stopped at a sandwich shop. I stayed in the car with the two dogs, and David went inside to get some food. 

Being parked right in front of the large storefront windows, I saw David order, then I saw him step to the side while the cashier waited on others, and then I saw him wait...and wait...and wait some more.

I remember thinking, What the heck is going on? I convinced myself four or five times that I'd have to wait only another minute or so. I recall thinking about what might be holding up our order: they forgot him, they misplaced the order slip, they gave our order to someone else, they ran out of some food item. There must be a reason for this!

It was then that I noticed that my stomach was tightening, my face was reddening, and I was sighing heavily. How unpleasant!

I reminded myself that the running chatter in my head wasn't making the sandwiches come out faster. I convinced myself that I should either take some action (go into the store, convince David to call the manager, keep him company as we waited) or let go and accept the situation.

Preferring the company of the dogs, I decided to let it all go and relax. Immediately, all the tension drained from my body, and I felt better. The sandwiches will get here when they get here.

I had to remind myself of an important lesson yesterday. Either take action to try to make things better, or accept the situation for what it is. Don't think yourself into a stress ball and fool yourself into thinking it's doing any good.