This morning, I had a not-so-charming chat on social media with a narcissist. Given that people often report struggling with folks who have his Personality Disorder—and other Personality Disorders in the same category—I thought I'd share my experience.
So, I realized in the first typed lines that I was dealing with this kind of troubled individual. Trying to exit from the conversation gracefully and quickly, I said, Have a wonderful day!
This person replied, I always have a wonderful day. Feeling irritated and not quite ready to exit, I responded literally with an empty sentence, typing just a period ("."). There was a slight pause in response; I'd like to think it was because I surprised this person by "saying something without really saying anything." So, I finally get this response: I'm really an exceptional person, which confirmed that I was dealing with a narcissist. Clearly.
In that moment, I had the will power and wisdom to stop communicating, close the app, and walk away from my phone. I have some psych training, and I know that it's important to let narcissist have the last word. So, I went into my bathroom to begin my morning routine.
But here's the thing. During my shower, I kept going over in my mind what had happened. Questioning myself. Feeling irritated and defensive. Wanting to lecture the person about manners. Feeling petty for obsessing and being unable to let it go. Recognizing the strange desire to run to the bedroom, check my phone, and see if anything else had been said. Imagining the incredibly witty put downs I'd say in return.
DARN it! This person had really HOOKED me, had got under my skin. It took 5 to 10 minutes, but I worked on settling my mind, and finally used my mindfulness skills to distract and redirect my attention to my morning bathroom routine.
Now, it's quite possible that getting hooked like this is a personal weakness of mine, but I thought I'd share my experience just in case anyone else struggles with these types of interpersonal exchanges.
As I observed myself mentally spinning on my social-media exchange, I took away a few key points as to how a narcissist hooks people:
- The narcissist is adept at breaking social convention, "breaking the rules," if you will. These people feel that rules don't apply to them.
- Breaking the rules serves another purpose, however, in that it throws us Rule Followers off balance emotionally. When we're thrown off balance, we're more easily manipulated.
- As was done in this case, the narcissist often breaks the rules "just a little bit" or in a sneaky way. This person began a conversation with a stranger by bragging. Now, on the one hand, no bank was robbed. On the other hand, social convention was broken. If I were to have called the person on it, the response would have been that NO SUCH THING happened and that the violation was a figment of my imagination: for example, perhaps explaining that this was merely an expression of healthy self esteem and that it was odd of me to misinterpret it, making it sound as if I had the problem. The end result of you questioning whether you saw or heard what you actually did, feeling confused, feeling defensive, and feeling off balance is what happens when you're a victim of "GASLIGHTING." This is when someone messes with your head so you can be manipulated. You can read more about gaslighting here.
- It occurred to me that the SUBJECT MATTER of the discussion was completely beside the point. The PURPOSE of the conversation was to throw me off balance emotionally. When I responded with an empty sentence ("."), that was my way of saying, There's really nothing that I can say to you that won't produce more cray-cray coming back in my direction. So, please understand that, when you're dealing with a narcissist, don't get caught up in wild boasts, loud denials, aggressive accusations of unfair treatment, convoluted language, and lies. It's not the point. Messing with you is the point, plus what I'm about to describe in the next bullet....
- Finally, think of the narcissist as the consummate con artist, as a pickpocket. As you spin on the details of the off-putting or aggressive statements being thrown at you rapid fire, this person is working a self-serving agenda in the background. So, when a pickpocket bumps and distracts you with conversation, the main point of the exchange is not what's being said; it's her hand removing the wallet from your back pocket or your purse.
So, what's the point?
First, don't engage. At all, if possible. After the exchange, keep your distance.
Next, keep a keen eye on your back pocket or purse.
And finally, use your mindfulness skills to immerse yourself in an activity to clear your mind of the toxic exchange, reminding yourself that it's normal to feel off-balance after encountering this type of sick person. IT'S NOT YOU! Shake it off as soon as you can, and get back to fully engaging with the most important thing...YOUR life, your passions, and your loved ones.
Recently, I recalled a kind thing that a boss once said, and I was stuck by the intense joy and smile it brought to my face today, eight years later.
For 14 years, I worked two part-time jobs: one as a Life & Career Coach and one as a software technical writer. During that time, I'd gradually reduced my tech-writing hours as I transitioned to my new career.
When my Life & Career Coaching clients consider working two jobs, I share my experiences. One of the Pros of my computer job involved holding onto benefits, which included pension savings. One of the Cons is that my managers frequently had to justify my presence to newly hired administrators (Why are we paying that high salary to the guy who isn't here every day?). My bosses often said, Just trust us, leave him alone, until the new hires could feel reassured by the quality of my work.
During the first half of 2007, I took a leave of absence because of a herniated disk in my back and the resulting surgery. At the same time, my start-up company had significantly increased its staffing and HR policies in anticipation of a corporate buy-out. As a result, after my surgery, I returned to many new faces, some new rules, and a more formal work environment.
Sometime during first few weeks back, one of the newly hired Bean Counters sent an email and asked me to verify my weekly hours. Given my hectic re-entry and the intensity of trying to get back up to speed with my work, I didn't give the question as much thought as I should have. I thought it would be easier to come in just two days a week instead of trying to squeeze in another half day, so I answered "16" (two eight-hour days).
Well, in the day or two after answering, I began to see form letters informing me that my benefits were being cut. Without bothering to wander 20 yards down the Cube Farm to talk to me, the Bean Counter simply began hacking away. After exchanging a few emails with him, it became clear that this was all happening because I'd dipped below 20 hours a week.
Ooops!
Factoring in my 401K and insurances, I was instantly on board with coming into work for that extra half day. So, I sent an email to my manager, he sent a note to the Bean Counter and to me about reinstating my 20-hour work week, and he prefaced everything by saying, Let's make Gerry happy.
To this day, that line makes me smile. Let's make Gerry happy! At that time, it also made me want to work very, very hard for him. It would be a few more weeks before I was recovered enough from surgery to be able to work significant overtime, but I was ready to "show him some love" by doing some excellent work.
* * *
Notice that my manager didn't explicitly focus on compensation, problem solving, resolving an "issue," facilitating better communication, motivating me, reciting policy, or performance coaching. Instead, he briefly-yet-powerfully invoked corporate culture, reminding us that—as we worked really hard—we should also "have each other's back" emotionally, caring about whether we were happy. It's about taking a little bit of time to generate that feeling in your exchanges with a coworker.
When I first became a supervisor, I received a week of management training, and I still remember several points made during that week. When discussing how to reward employees' performance, the instructor emphasized that different approaches make different people happy. Some like the latest new hardware gadget, yet that would be meaningless to other people. Some like the office with the window. Some love a small accommodation for child care. Still others are about the raises or the formal title. Or maybe it's about being placed on a particular project team and being able to do a certain kind of work.
Part of excellent management is understanding that motivation and making someone happy intersect, but they aren't the same thing. Motivation is about a manager generating employee performance; creating joy is about rewarding performance in a way that fosters SELF motivation.
When I was a manager, one of the biggest "bang for the buck" rewards programs involved me doing some detective work about an employee's tastes, writing a Thank You card for a very specific bit of good performance, and popping a $25 gift certificate for a product or service that that person would enjoy into the card: music for a music fan, a movie gift certificate if she liked films, a bookstore gift card for others.
That really made people smile! But you have to take some time to get to know them to know how to create that moment.
My tech-writing manager knew how to do that, and I smile about it to this day. Thank you, Dave!
When I'm working with my Life & Career Coaching clients, I emphasize balance and judgment calls, and I use the yin-yang symbol to illustrate the point.
To have as satisfying and smooth a time as possible, it's helpful to balance two very opposite approaches to life. The first is acceptance of the things that we can't change. The second is having the vision, drive, and work ethic to change things. (For more information, see the Serenity Prayer.)
Now, Life Coaching is all about having a vision of what you intend to accomplish, setting and prioritizing goals that get you to that vision, and staying on task as you complete goal after goal. It's great stuff. It's an example of the Change side of the equation. It's good to make plans, have goals, strive, affect change, and make things better in your life.
At the same time, everyone encounters aspects of themselves, their lives, and what they are experiencing around them that cannot be changed—or can't be changed any time soon. These are times when Acceptance is the better approach. It's time to play nicely with others, be flexible, delay gratification, and make the most of the situation that's been handed to you (when life hands you lemons, make lemonade).
That brings me to the recent news about Renee Zellweger's plastic surgery.
On the one hand, she seems pleased with her decision, reporting that she's now living a "happy, more fulfilling life." I'd say that that should be the primary focus and the number one priority for all of us. I am truly happy for her. In addition to that, the new look may improve her odds of winning different types of roles in movies for which she hadn't been considered in the past. Good for her!
On the other hand, making the best of your appearance without plastic surgery is an opportunity to practice acceptance and making the most out of what you're given. (I love actress Laura Dern's quote about plastic surgery: "All my peers are going to tighten up their faces, so I'll be more likely to get all the roles that require a few wrinkles!")
Is it wrong? No. Is it bad? No. But it is a missed opportunity to practice a skill that's very necessary for a deeply satisfying life: being able to be happy and fulfilled without having to control looks, other people's impressions, or what's happening around you.
In conclusion, the great thing about life is that it usually gives us lots and lots of opportunities to learn lessons and build skills. It's no big deal that Renee chose Control over Acceptance in this one particular case. There will be plenty of other opportunities to practice Acceptance elsewhere in her life, I'm sure.
I wish everyone well on our journeys, and may we make wise choices for ourselves about Acceptance and Change.
That's what I said. Thoughts have NO power.
Thoughts have power only if you BELIEVE them. When you believe a thought—idea, concept, notion, what others say about you—it can be hard to see life clearly, and it can lead to bad decisions and ineffective action. Also, the more you dwell on a thought, the more likely you are to start believing it.
Let me use a silly example to demonstrate my point. Right now I'm thinking, "I can fly like Superman."
Just because I think that doesn't make it true, right? Now, let's say that I'm unfortunate enough to belief that I can fly like Superman. I might see lots of "evidence" around me that convinces me that I'm right. (Strong beliefs can filter what you see, hear, and think, so the only information that gets in strengthens what you already believe. People who believed that the earth was flat somehow found lots of evidence of flatness.) Let's say that I decide to take action based on the belief that I can fly, and I jump off a tall building in a single bound. In that case, you wouldn't be reading any more blog entries from me.
The "flying like Superman" example is silly. Before I go, let me share types of thoughts that bother some of my clients, thoughts that should be dismissed and laughed at as much as "I can fly like Superman":
- I'm stupid
- I'll look stupid
- People think I'm stupid
- Nobody loves me
- I'm fat
- I'm ugly
- I can't do that
- I'm a loser
- My father/mother should have loved me more
- I'm broken
- I'll never find love
- That's easier said than done
- I might never reach my potential
- What's the use
- Things will never get better
- What's the use?
- I hate him/her
Dismiss these powerless thoughts. Attention is like food for them; starve them! Instead, focus on doing something enjoyable and productive in the present moment. In time, those thoughts will lessen have less and less power over you. If you have "sticky" thoughts that are hard to shake, try using "thought stopping" techniques to interrupt and quiet them before returning your attention to the present moment.
When I work with my Life & Career Coaching clients, I quote movies fairly often. Undeniably the film I quote most often is Bull Durham. In one of my favorite scenes Annie Savoy (Susan Sarandon) gives Crash Davis (Kevin Costner) tips in the batting cage to help him through a slump. She says to him that hitting a baseball is like making love: you just have to RELAX and CONCENTRATE.
Not one or the other, but both at the same time. In a humorous and direct way, Annie described what athletes often call being in THE ZONE. However, it's not just for athletes. I help clients to get into a zone so that they can access peak performance, enabling them to do things well, whether it be accounting, housecleaning, dating, negotiating with a spouse, saving money, completing a resume, interviewing for a job...whatever!
To help yourself enter a relaxed and concentrating mindset, consider the game of miniature golf, or putt-putt. To set the stage, remember that no one in their right mind (ahem!) takes putt-putt too seriously; everyone knows that the main point is to have fun. For example, my favorite putt-putt experience was near St. Petersburg, Florida, where you can use a fishing pole to feed chewy dog-food squares to alligators in between holes.
Now, remember that the idea is to relax AND concentrate at the same time. We could just relax and whack the ball around and not care. However, it's more fun if we concentrate enough to try to get the ball into the hole. If it took you six strokes to get the ball into one hole, then it's fun to see if you can succeed in five strokes next time. If the ball doesn't go up an incline, that's good information! Next time, you stroke the ball slightly harder until you figure out how to get the ball over the rise. If the ball goes left, aim slightly more to the right next time. If the ball shoots past the hole, tap it more softly next time.
Relax! We're having FUN, here! No big deal. Every time something doesn't go well, learn and adjust so that you do it better the next time.
I do realize that there are some people who choose to take putt-putt too seriously, and we all know how annoying THAT can be. Let's take this thought further and imagine people reacting to putt-putt in the same way they react to other parts of life; imagine how silly, unproductive, and annoying it would be:
- I can't believe I missed that shot. I'm so STUPID!
- I haven't been able to finish a hole under par; he'll never want to go out on a date with me.
- I screwed up again. This kind of crap ALWAYS happens to me.
- I missed again. This is such a DISASTER!
- I shot over par on every hole. This is hopeless...what's the use. I might as well give up.
- It's "do or die" time...I HAVE to nail this shot!
I'll bet that some of you are thinking that life isn't a game of putt-putt. On the one hand, you're right. On the other hand, it SHOULD be and it CAN be. Take a good, close look at extraordinary performers: they usually move quickly past the so called mistakes and failures, and they use what they just learned in their next venture. A great basketball player doesn't care that she went 0 for 13; she still can take and make the game winning shot. Or heed the Thomas Edison quote: I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
So, get into that putt-putt frame of mind when you'd like to perform well. Keep "having fun" front and center, relax AND concentrate, and mistakes and failures are information you need for your next big success.
